Promises

Recently, I’m reading a book written by Amy Cheung. In a passage, she said something about promise. There is some kind of virtual promise existed in the nature human relationship. This kind of promise is not documented or even never mentioned by anyone.

For friends trust and sincere are the virtual promises that live between them, they will never become friend if they do not trust and being sincere to each other. For family members, the virtual promise existed is some kind of support, family members will support each other during difficult times. For lovers, love and care are the virtual promises, guys will taking care of girls is because of love, not because guys is stronger than girls. The effort to maintain the marriage is the virtual promise that exist between husband and wife.

After reading these, I think these promises existed as the most basic element to maintain a relationship. The promise will be broken when the relationship ends. Promises seem like something really good to everyone. Last but not least, I wish all these good promises stay keeping among us.

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Matrix

还记得有一部叫Matrix的电影吗？这部电影描述着一个虚拟世界。那里，所有能被看见的事情和感觉都是虚拟的。生活在虚拟世界的人，明知道这一切都不是真实的，但却宁愿沉醉其中。是真的还是假的都已不再是重点了！最重要的是这虚拟的一切能够填满大家生活上的空虚。

我想现实的世界也是一样，所有发生在我们眼前的事实未必真实。很多时候，我们都在逃避现实，宁可相信和接受虚假的事。

在现实的世界里，每个人都想要快乐度过每一天。所以，大家都在努力寻找属于自己的喜乐。有些人将所谓的“乐趣”当作是一种喜乐。但是，所谓的“乐趣”是很容易得到的，可以是看部喜剧、让小丑逗笑……但是，这是真正的快乐吗？这种快乐能为此多久？

有人告诉我，他在大学做过许多伟大的事。他曾经为学生福利斗争，成功要求校方统一食物售价，阻止商家以通货膨胀为大肆涨价的借口。斗争成功后，我们到处都看见校方统一售价的布条悬挂在各大食堂，但是新的学期来临时，食物比以前涨价得更厉害，这些布条也不知所踪了。斗争成功了又怎样？成功能维持多久？一个人在这世界的历史中存在多久？成功真的是属于你一个人吗？还是因为大势的趋向，你才会成功呢？

近年，马来西亚人民对民主和自由的意识提高许多了。在走向民主和自由的同时，我们都必须付出代价。人民是否准备付出这些代价了？肚子都填不饱，还能谈民主和自由吗？有一个学长问我，“身为大学生的我们真的愿意为民主和自由付出代价吗？我们能为民主和自由做什么？到街头去示威？万一被开除的话，值得吗？你为国家斗争，给国家带来了希望。你牺牲了，谁还你父母希望？”这一切斗争的意义在哪里了？

成绩很好，又有什么了不起？活动办得很好又怎样？这不表示你是个好学生。试问你自己，是否有做好一个学生的本分？是否有学以致用？是否充分利用自己在学校的时间？漂亮的成绩单和办活动的履历都是一种虚荣。因为你以后都不靠这一些吃饭，也不靠这一些来证明你的能力。漂亮的成绩单是好的，密密麻麻的办活动履历更是了不起，但是我却认为优秀的人格才是最珍贵难得的。

结交朋友是人生一大快事。试问，在众多朋友中，有多少个是真心的？真心的有多真？知己又有多少个？关系又能维持多久？他在你心目中有最高的地位，你在他心目中也同样有这样高的地位吗？这种友好关系是真的这样好，还是做作而已？

天底下，虚假的事情多的是，真实的事情却没有几样。流传在空中的尽是假话，真心话越来越少了。似乎，所有事都是虚假的。

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寻找

这两年，我并没有过着我理想中的大学生活。第一年，试着用各种方式来努力忘记她。结果，让自己拼命参与各种活动， 想让自己过着忙碌的生活来冲淡一切。试着忘记她的同时，也不小心忘了自己的理想和原则。经常在埋怨，讨厌别人不守时，讨厌华人的陋俗，不喜欢大家为做而做，没有创新，没有新意。第二年，延续第一年的忙碌在活动中奔波，不晓得自己是为什么而做。想要突破瓶颈，想要改变，结果换来的是改变了自己。是为理想吗？怎么又会舍得让自己抛开那执着多年的原则？早就想要放弃了，为什么不舍得放手？终于累了……

每当要放手的时候，都有不同的诱惑。 你不搞活动，就来跟我们一起搞直销吧！直销“钱”途无可限量，这里的人有同样的理想，你需要这么多跟你一起吃喝玩乐的朋友来干嘛？即将踏入社会，未来和“钱”途是不得不考虑的问题。他们对我说希望和梦想是可以用钱来买到的，没钱就不要梦想了。我不相信钱能买到理想！我相信天底下没有白费的午餐，我更相信可以用钱买来的理想是分文不值的，只有付出时间、精神、努力和坚持所换来的理想才是有价值的，所以我依然坚持要让自己在Computer Science里闯出属于自己的天空。

不能再依赖她的日子里，自己也逐渐变得冷漠了，真情也不再流露出来。原来，她也带走了我面对全世界的勇气，失去了真心对待朋友的勇气，觉得其他人跟她没两样，还是不要太投入比较好。陪伴我的只有一把口琴，空闲时就拿出来吹，心情是开心或不开心都无法用韵律来掩盖。面对虚假的人， 我的笑脸也自然虚假，现实的人生就好像圣经所说的那样虚空。有时候，是要交朋友还是要应酬朋友，我也搞不清楚了。 有人说，我需要爱情来滋润人生，我却因为种种因素不想要在大学里交女朋友，我坚持要让自己在这些日子里更清楚看见真爱情。我相信，如果真的能在一起一辈子，三年又算得了什么呢？如果注定不能在一起，又何苦要逼自己去坚持这三年呢？

辉煌的过去和潦倒的现在都不再重要，未来的去向才是我活着的原因。我为什么而活？难道我就没有未来了？迷茫的生活让我更加清楚自己要往哪里走下去。未来的路会让我走多远，无法预测。过去的好和坏，不再重要，不值得我遗憾，也不值得我伤心。一直以来，我总是相信自己多过相信上帝。但这一次，我开始怀疑自己的判断了。这三个月里，我看见的上帝的奇妙作为，实在是难以置信，但是这一切就是发生了。我想尝试将这一切都交给上帝决定我的未来，但又有人对我说这是最愚蠢的做法了，简直就是在逃避现实。要如何面对才好呢？我不知道，我还在寻找……

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Seek… What if…

This is the welcoming activity theme for Inter-Varsity Christian Centre UTM (the church I joined in UTM). I can’t remember the theme meaning as the long definition that defined by the committee. But, I have my own interpretation here. Hope it’s not much different from the original interpretation from committee.

“Seek” is the common action that most of us doing in university life. Seeking for knowledge, friends, career path, love, money… What I understand about the word “seek” is quite direct and simple, but the phrase “what if” left a lot of imagination to me.

For me, I have 2 situations that I’ll feel uncertain if I face either of these situations. First situation is when I found everything that I’m seeking. The second situation is when I lost everything I have. The first situation is not applicable to me, but the second situation is quite relevant to my situation now.

I’m from non-Christian family and converted to a Christian in the Christmas baptism of year 2006 in Madras Lane Chinese Methodist Church. My ex-girlfriend is the one who brought me to Christ. Eventually, we broke up the 2 years realationship in one month time after I baptized. This will be a biggest lie from me if I tell you that the broke up doesn’t affect my faith.

Once I taught that she was my angel in my life, but she become a devil come into my nightmare at the end. Now, she became a totally stranger to me. I tried hard to forget about her, I let myself to become busy to forget about her, I even seldom back to places visited by us before, just to forget about her. Now, she became nothing to me, no longer affecting my emotion. But, I have price to pay for this 2 years period.

I denied some precious moment with friends when making myself busy. My best friend advice me that I have to manage relationship well, everyone need somebody to support them from behind when doing things. Besides that, I also lost my faith to God while I denying the opportunities to serve in church. In most of the cell group activity, we shared our thanksgiving to God within the week. Sometimes, I feel that I have nothing to say for thanksgiving… This is a symptom for a Christian to end up in hell.

After baptized, I’m not a holy Christian, also not faithful, not humble, and a sinful Christian. Generally, I found myself have no different from non-Christian. Sometimes, I even become unsure when my friends tell me that people will not die because of no religion. But, what is the purpose you live if you believe in nothing? I think this is some kind of curse to me within the period.

Undergo life without direction in 2 years time, I found that I have not much improvement, I even lost my self confidence. Now, I changed my lifestyle to become more passive. Especially in this 2 months time, I become more cool to friends and taking a passive role in anything. I’m lost between my principle and friends, not sure that I should lose my friend or my principle, feeling hard to keep it both. In short, I’m lost in my life…

I’m still seeking for the purpose of my life that I lost just before I enter university. I think I have a model life for youth before I enter university. Working part time in a pharmacy, joined a non-governmental organization, served in church as Sunday school teacher, consulting a club in my secondary school, good relationship with school mates, also have a lovely girlfriend. I think I have my purpose of life during that time… But now, all this disappear from me.

What am I now? I not sure that the role that I should play now… On coming weekend, is IVCC welcoming camp. This will be the very first time for me to participate my church’s welcoming camp. Hope to found what I’m seeking there…

Written on 12 July 2009

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Sweet talks

ONE

I don’t want to call on you because I don’t want let you know that I miss you...

When my phone ring, I will wait for 10 seconds before I answer the phone although I know you are calling me. I always feel nervous while chatting with you, so I make our conversation short and simple.

Always, I’m the first one who ended our conversation with ‘good bye’, but it doesn’t mean I’m cool. I wish to chat with you over night, but I feel nervous.

Every time you send me back to my house, I hope to be with you forever. But, I still turned around and say ‘good bye’ to you. When you turned back to your vehicle, I turned around to watch you for several time and don’t want let you know my feeling.

Why I’m so timid? Don’t dare to go closer with you?

TWO

“Actually, I’m looking for you on something important.. Can we meet up somewhere?”

“Hi, you arrived finally. Let have our dinner..”

We chat happily during meet up, but we chat nothing important. We also forgot about the reason we meet up here tonight.

Actually, I have something important to tell you, “I just want see you for tonight.”

THREE

Lover will stay away from another when he or she need it. Lover will never leave when he or she don’t need it.

I stayed away from you when you tell me you need me is not because I’m cool. It’s because I hope you will appreciate me more in future.

I stay away from you is because I want to date me again.

I stayed away from you is because I want to let you know that I still angry and want you to endure me.

I don’t leave you when you ask me to do so.. Do I need a reason for that?

I don’t leave you when you ask me to do so is because I realized something good about you.

I don’t leave you when you ask me to do so is because I regret about my fault..

Written on 4th July 2009

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13th June 2009

13^th June 2009, a Saturday that no need attend company meeting, so all my house mates and also my colleague planned something to fill the spare time on this weekend. I planned nothing for myself on this weekend, and also not following their plan to find friends in Taman U. Initially, I planned to help up my pastor in Taman U, but last night she told me that there is an event going on for her church on this weekend, so she suggested that we postponed our plan to next week. As the result, I have no plan for this weekend!

Don’t know what can I do for this weekend. I want to spend some time to learn about Javascript and find some solution for the system I developing, I want to go church on night, I want to have a new hair cut, I want to clean up my hostel and all my clothes.. but, I don’t want to be alone at home..

Afraid that the lonely feel will kill me in these 2 days.. Online? Facebook? MSN? Hey, this is Saturday lehh.. Everyone planned something. Go dating, back hometown, visit friends... Feeling stupid just spending my Saturday for online.. What to do?

Here is what I did for today:-

I washed my clothes on morning while others is still sleeping. Before leaving hostel, Chee Ho send me a link through MSN. The link led me to a Youtube video that mourning Zhi Theng, my friend who rested in peace on Thursday night. It has been I very long time I didn’t hear any news about Zhi Theng after Form 5. Suddenly, I received a message from Chee Leng that mentioned the bad news. Feeling unbelievable.. But, it’s fact. Life is so fragile..

Without delay, we go restaurant nearby to have Dim Sum as our breakfast plus lunch. This afternoon I managed to fix my motor and have a new hair cut in You & Me. Then, I leaved Taman U on 5.00p.m.

6.30p.m., I reached Johorjaya Rosmerah. The air-conditioner is a little bit cold due to the rainy weather. Walked alone to the way back to hostel, suddenly I think of having dinner first before back to my hostel. So, I changed my way to Mei Hwa Café to have my economy rice.

Returned to hostel to take a shower after having dinner. I decided just buy a fit-to-live house in future when looking into my hostel. The feeling of being alone at home is really fearful.. The hostel is so silent.. Silent until I can listen to my heart beat..

8.00p.m., Zi Feng fetched me to church at Anggerik, Johorjaya. Today, we discuss about Sadness as a modern community sickness. I found that I have all the symptoms they mentioned in the discussion. Cool, have no feeling to love, self conscious, sleepless insomnia, bad appetite, no confident, down, pessimistic, hopeless.. Seem like I really need to arrange a counseling session for myself soon..

After the fellowship, Zhi Xiong invited me to a nearby mamak stall for yam cha. I just knew this guy through the fellowship just now. During the yam cha session, we shared our experience. We are both converted Christian in non-Christian family background. I have similar feeling when I listen to his sharing.. Feel good to know him here..

11.37p.m., reached my hostel and start blogging.. That’s all for today.. nitez..

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